OFNR

The tool I used to begin filling out my understanding of my feelings and needs is what I call OFNR (I say "OFF-NER") just because that way I remember it!

Observation = "what is going on? What just happened? I am totally triggered about some thing that just happened."

This is almost always where I get stuck - so I am at least capable of hitting the big internal PAUSE button and ask myself "Is someone bleeding or not able to breath?" - which always is answered with a big "No", so I remove myself either physically or mentally and pause to catch my breath or de-escalate. Then I continue the process....

Feelings = "How am I feeling?", "What am I feeling?" - in my case, I have a seriously good emotional memory stock pile that my brain pulls shit out from the past as something has just occurred that has re-minded my brain of a past event. It then gives me the full emotional load from that old memory as my brain thinks that must be helpful information for the current event. Well, getting ramped up to fight or run would be helpful if I was a caveman and I think I saw a lion's face in the tall grass about to come eat me, not so helpful in modern office or modern family situation and some comment has triggered my security or safety needs :)

Needs = This I reflect back on and think, "What need is not being met that I am so seriously freaked out about at the moment." For me at work, it is anything about job security. Basically, what Need is underlying the Feeling I am experiencing?

Request = When I first learned NVC, I thought I would be making more requests of others, but by far - so very far - more often it is a request I ask myself. The usual request I ask myself is to take off my jackal ears and put on my giraffe ears. In fact, the most important element in my experience with using NVC is the concept of Giraffe/Jackal.