The Pause Button

The PAUSE Button was the only tool I could get a grasp on by the end my first NVC Beginner series 8 week class. At the time, it was still a challenge for me to identify and distinguish between Feelings and Needs and OFNR in the class when we were doing some exercises and games, and outside of class I couldn’t process fast enough when I was getting agitated about something.

The PAUSE button though, that I could grab a hold of in my mind very quickly and I began to exercise that muscle. When I was first learning to give myself more space, more time to Respond in a matter of my choosing instead of Reacting out of reflex, the first tool in my bag was the PAUSE Button.

The PAUSE button concept was simple enough and small enough and short enough. It had only two steps:

1) Identify that you are in a situation that may provoke an emotional/energetic response

2) Short-circuit the Reaction by pressing the PAUSE button in one’s mind. Just Stopping! Taking a breath, and with awareness, choose to Respond as one chooses to the present event, meeting the current situation with an appropriate level of energy. Respond to the present situation - filtering out past emotional memories and past historical experience.

The graphic image of a big red pause button was helpful in recalling it to mind in an instant. In early stages at work, I physically moved my hand and hit a pretend button on my desk, as I got up and walked out of the room, to get some space, get a coffee, and review the events that had just occurred and what provoked in me an energetic response.

In the process of strengthening awareness and practicing the PAUSE button, pay attention to how your body feels. Perhaps you hit the Pause button in the middle of a tirade or vigorous discussion. Well, hey, you caught it in the middle and that’s progress! Mumble your apologies and excuse yourself from the room. Remove yourself and think back through how you felt then and earlier. With practice, you will catch the process in earlier stages.

The process for me was a series of incidents where each time I caught my reaction earlier. Upon hitting PAUSE and stepping out to get some space - I reviewed how I felt when I realized I was in full React mode, and what was it I felt a fraction earlier?

The first few uses of the PAUSE button - I was in a full emotional reaction already - PAUSE - go review incident. Pretty quickly, with a bit of practice, I could feel the surge of the start of my emotional reaction as it lit up my head with energy. With my growing awareness, I can now catch it even earlier in the process, I can feel the surge traveling up my backbone.

Now, I usually note my growing urge to React, by feeling the energy swirl in my stomach, sometimes its a physical tension pain, if I’m not practicing awareness, other times, I can sense the tingle of a reaction just beginning. In most daily activity, with repeated PAUSE Button practice, I am aware that I am entering into a situation that may trigger an emotional reaction, and choose to step into it with my head up and shoulders back with intention, to maintain a clear mind and “catch” any reaction before it starts - and choose to Respond.

The first place I was able to implement it at was work. When I felt my temper would flare, or just the basic energy surge before the onslaught of emotions, rapidly escalate, I pressed the internal PAUSE button. I got up from my desk or left the meeting, and walked to get a coffee. the first few times I held my mouth shut with my hand as well. The Amazon building I was working in at the time was a block long, so by the time I got to the coffee stand, my emotional state would have flattened, and standing in line I would review what triggered me and reflect on why that was no longer a necessary response. I think growing up on a farm, where there can be events that really are life or death, at least for animals, I tend to be wired too tight for corporate discussions. Add another 30 years living in a city urban environment and observing all the many things that can go wrong for people further ingrained that behavior. The PAUSE button enabled me to keep my mouth shut long enough to reason out a chosen RESPONSE instead of reacting. With time I got better and quicker at detecting when I was getting ready to React from habit or old events and most of the time chose to Respond to the present situation calmly and with awareness.